Monday, July 13, 2009

Beans & Franks

73 cents at Wal Mart. This is the budget brand there, comparing to Van Camps Beenie Weenies, which are running around 90 cents right now.

I think these prices are kind of high.

These are not really "Franks." The Frankenfurters title should be reserved for an upper tier of shaped meat. What's in these and in beenie weenies is really slices of Vienna Sausage, those tubes of pale death in a can.

I also got some low-fat Vienna Sausage. 43 cents. It's for research: I'm working on a song called "He Was A Weenie From Vienna, She Was A Carolina Cracker." Not really.

The Phillips can puts me on a Greyhound Bus in a new pair of shoes:

Beans & Franks

When the pestilence and tribulation times come, I will fuel myself with such cans of Beans & Franks as this. Then I will fight off the marauders and the six-foot flesh-eating caterpillars. I always keep at least one can of beans & weiners in the trunk of my car.


  1. I wrote about this post on my "blog." But the first time I posted it, the picture of Vienna sausage I found came out too big. It was much too scary for anyone to see. I immediately scaled it down so no one would faint. But it's still pretty awful, the picture of Vienna sausage. Your picture is much nicer. Anyway, best description of Vienna sausage ever.

  2. Your photo of Vienna Sausage highlights the artillery boat ammunition qualities of the packing.
    Seven of those pale tubes, aimed straight at your heart. And that middle tube is the Queen Sausage!

  3. "Sliced chicken franks with beef"???? I never read nothing about THAT in the Bible... If we had truth in labeling it should probably say "pulverized chicken faces, beaks, and feet, abandoned loading dock meat piles, and Chinese beef squeezings". the true connections between Vienna, European capital of learning and culture, and these slimy sausage slugs remains to be established...I think Johann Strauss probably used them to hide pills in so his dogs would take their medicine.

  4. Shortly after I moved from Pennsylvania to South Carolina around fifth grade, this neighborhood kid named Tobin laughed at me for calling things by their right name. "Ha, listen to you: 'vee-ENNnuh SAH-sedges, vee-ENNuh SAH-sedges!' Man, you sound like a dope! Around here we call these 'VIE-eener wieners.'"

    A few years later, he borrowed a bunch of my back issues of Fangoria and sold them to some dude for soccer-ball money. I guess I should have seen the writing on the wall. Straight-up wiener move, right there.

    (This should not be confused with the straight-up-wiener move, which you should have read about in Health class and which I'm not gonna get into right here. Ask your parents.)

    Also, who would win in a fight: Michael Biehn or Michael Franks?