My New Hero

CNN and others are reporting that a retiring Army Colonel, Henry Moak, opened and ate a Vietnam War-era army ration can of pound cake at his retirement ceremony.

A 36 year old Can of Pound Cake.

WITH A CEREMONIAL SWORD.

"To most people's surprise, the opened can revealed a still-edible yellow cake. The ceremonial sword used to cut Moak's real retirement cake was also used to dig into the can and cut out the cake.

Moak took a bite and put up his thumb, "It's good, it's still kind of moist," he declared."

Already having served his country until retirement, Col. Moak took things to another level here. I am not a scientist, so I don't understand how any product with eggs in it wouldn't be deadly 36 years later. What happens inside a can that is properly sealed for the battlefield? Apparently time stands still, is what happens.

When I was a kid, in the early 80s I went through an "army phase" - I had old army clothes and toy machine guns, and liked to run around in the woods pretending. Once, my mom took me by Brock's Army Surplus and I bought a set of rations, which included pork-n-beans and pound cake. They were good then, but they may have been less than ten years old then. And I never ended up joining the Army.

Can you say that you've ever eaten an antique?

Laughing & Smiling

It takes a tough man to make a tender love song. A man tough as nails. Perhaps even a man named M.H. NAIL. This record represents where I want to be when I am as old as this guy sounds - fronting a small, liquid country band in Mississippi, singing songs about my wife. The American dream, writ large, and shakily. One of my favorite records:

Beans & Franks

73 cents at Wal Mart. This is the budget brand there, comparing to Van Camps Beenie Weenies, which are running around 90 cents right now.

I think these prices are kind of high.

These are not really "Franks." The Frankenfurters title should be reserved for an upper tier of shaped meat. What's in these and in beenie weenies is really slices of Vienna Sausage, those tubes of pale death in a can.

I also got some low-fat Vienna Sausage. 43 cents. It's for research: I'm working on a song called "He Was A Weenie From Vienna, She Was A Carolina Cracker." Not really.

The Phillips can puts me on a Greyhound Bus in a new pair of shoes:




When the pestilence and tribulation times come, I will fuel myself with such cans of Beans & Franks as this. Then I will fight off the marauders and the six-foot flesh-eating caterpillars. I always keep at least one can of beans & weiners in the trunk of my car.

Funky Grasshopper

Continuing with the BUG theme, here is a dance routine that will knock your socks off. You will jump so much, you won't know what hit you. I have a special relationship with Grasshopper themed dances. Also, the word "grasshopper" is an effective mantra. I say it thousands of times to myself every day.

The "Bug" in this song is also represented by a sound effect - in this case what sounds like a de-tuned E string on an old guitar with a primitive whammy bar. The guitar track in this song should be an inspiration to excitable, tone-deaf amateur guitarists everywhere. You don't need to be even in the neighborhood of In Tune, and you too can do the Funky Grasshopper. "Do the handle high."

If you have three hours and want to know everything in the world about Hugh Boynton and this record, see Soul Detective's amazing research. The most interesting thing is that this record was apparently either recorded at Capricorn Studios in Macon, Georgia, or at Muscle Shoals in Alabama, by recording new vocals and a rough mix over somebody else's song that was already released as a single!

The Funky Grasshopper! We're doin' it.

"The Bug" That Made History

A little challenge: look at this record label and guess what this song is about before you listen to it. "The Bug" That Made History (1977):



Now listen to the song and see if you were right:



(If you want to know what I thought it was going to be about, look in the Comments!)


This 45 appears to be the work of an ambitious husband-wife team:

Featured singer: Mary Ann Walker
Record label: The Walker
Songwriter: Myran Walker
Publisher: Myann Walker

I hope they didn't blame each other when this failed to become a hit! Maybe it was just for fun - sounds like they had a good time recording it. The family that records novelty songs together, STAYS TOGETHER.
Check out those analog synth squiggles that are supposed to represent "The Bug".

The incredible Sonovox

Thanks to my friend Mark for telling me about the Sonovox - that's the instrument he thinks is at the beginning of "Night Lover" (posted previously). The Sonovox is kind of a precursor to the talk box tube (Pete Drake "Forever", Frampton Comes Alive, etc.). This video clip is from the end of a 1940 comedy called "You'll Find Out."

I try to avoid unnecessary hyperbole in speech and writing, but...

THIS IS THE BEST VIDEO I'VE EVER SEEN. (don't miss the little dog!)




Mark also recommended a few other cool Sonovox videos, see his comment in the "Night Lover" thread.

Bargain Day, Half Off

Double Coupon Day back from vacation with a humorous topical number - we're going out of business, selling out at cost. It's a bargain day and everything's half off!

The Carlisles is Bill Carlisle's group from the 50s. He was a jumping, grand ole opry shucking and jiving, double-entendre novelty song writing fool. There's only one joke here, but somehow it don't get old. It's all in the timing.







Update: Thanks to Anonymous for figuring out that he says "men's long handles," referring to a union suit. (The butt flap is half off?)